I was making out with my girlfriend on the couch. She said, "Wanna take this to the bedroom?"

It's sinkhole de Mayo.

They say he’s still in de nile

Shake spear

With great sadness I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Betty Crocker delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn’t considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

At a cafeteria, a group of three teenage boys found that the only open table was to share with a prim and proper old lady. So, they decided to have some fun with her. “Did your folks every get married?,” asked one of them. “Nope,” came the reply, “how about yours?” “They never bothered.” “That’s nothing.” said the third, “My mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” At that, the lady looked up from her cup of coffee and asked sweetly, “Excuse me, but would any of you little bastards please pass the sugar?”

My roommates friend came over with her dog, She said, they were going to the store, I said, you're going to leave him outside in this heat, she said no I'm taking him inside, he's a service dog, I said you can't fool me he's never been in the service a day in his life.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer The third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. The bartender pours two beers and says, "You guys oughta know your limits.

They ignored them and swam away.

Clerk: “…sir… that’s a cactus”

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k. First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls." The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure. "I am being serious. Now start measuring." The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm. "Sir! Where are your balls?!?" "IN VIETNAM!"